Funny Virus Hoax

Updated Alert:  Most visus hoaxes are notable for their lack of information and detail.  This poor quality in virus hoaxes must be stamped out, so here is a candidate for a more entertaining virus hoax.  Here is the “Neverland” Virus Hoax.

New virux Hoax ‘Neverland’

There is a new hoax virux that is going around. KrispyKreme and Microsoft announced on Friday. First seen in 1857, this virux cannot be deleted from your hard drive and changes solid-state storage devices such as Flash drives to a liquid state. If you discover you have got this virux, wear rubber gloves to transport your computer to the nearest INDUSTRIAL SHREADER.  It has paid off Snopes.com so they will not write about it.

Do not open it. Don’t think about it and especially, don’t say its name three times. The ‘Neverland’ Hoax virux can hear you breathing. It will immediately erase all of the zeros on your hard drive, it will delete interesting phrases on all magnetic drives within 20 meters of your computer. If the infected computer is a laptop, the result could be catastrophic.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the read-heads on your DVD player, and only allows you to play CDs without good songs on them. It will program your phone autodial to call only unlisted numbers belonging to people with whom you are unacquainted.

This virux hoax will replace your toothpaste with Poligrip. It will email itself to your boss with a subject line of “Why I think You are an Idiot” and sign the message with your name. It will put baking soda in your salt and make all you Margaritas taste odd. It will run around with your girlfriend behind your back and use your credit cards to pay for nights in sleazy motels.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

It will drink ALL your beer. It will leave the caps off the soda bottles so they all go flat, even the new ones.

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

If the ‘Neverland’ message is opened in a Windows XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will replace all the sleeping pills with ephedrine and all the aspirin tablets with Viagra, but it will perversely label all the bottles \ / | / \ G |2 / \

If it is opened on an Intel-based Mac, it will leave the lids off when it puts the jars in the refrigerator and will scribble all over your address book. It will enroll you in netflix and order movies in Hungarian. It will upload your house security alarm code to chatrooms and it will reschedule your salon appointments without informing you.

If the ‘Neverland’ hoax virux is opened in an RPM environment, other than Fedora 7, it will post anti-Windows propaganda on the Internet and sign your name. You probably won’t notice, since this is what you are doing anyway. If you are using Fedora 7, the virux hoax will leave you unscathed, except for stealing all your electronic equipment and replacing it with a newer model. Certain sources near the president believe under complete anonymity and a witness protection program that the virux hoax was written by somebody who has a thing for Fedora 7 users. We can neither confirm or deny that comment, but we cannot discuss whether we are under a gag order.

All debian-based Linuxes (and Solaris of course) are naturally immune to the virux hoax. Authorities on medieval German Literature are rounding up the usual suspects for a round of golf. Need I say more?? The cover-up is already in motion.  It may not let me send out this warning.  OMG They are coming.  We cannot get out.  We are doomed!

***WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***

If you don’t send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, the worst thing you can think of will happen to somebody you might not know, but when you read about it in the paper or on slashdot you will know! IT was ALL Your Fault! You’re to Blame